715am malibu, surfrider, took some shots for mattie, the end
ps first shots were from night prior, where i had my first real (non-sexual) lesbian experience, i might be gay. meh. but i cant be because im very in love with my boodle and desire only him. wah.
happiest birthday to the love of my life!!! flew up to sf for his bday at HOME do you hear that HOMEEEEE wheeeeee! what a nice normal birthday weekend. no shows, no people. just had him all to my selfish ol self! we watched elysium saturday, i knocked out shortly thereafter and probably we slept for the next 14 hours or so. got some breakfast at 2 in the afternoon or something silly, caught up on breaking bad then ate at 5A5 for some muthafuckin steaksicles! i love getting gussied up with the loverbear. and good god if hes not the most handsome in the whole world, well slap my ass and call me sally cause ill be damned. i just stare at him and am fulfilled. how creepy of me. im so glad i feel that way about him. its pretty exciting i suppose. heres to the best 41st year of life to my lovelybonesjones! i love you!!!!
flew into salt lake city, home of my dear friend huevos’ alma mater, go utes! holy my cab driver was the worst ever once we reached the red butte gardens and ampitheatre or whatever the fuck. j had to summon a golf cart guy to search for me, chasing each other around like we were in the worst video game ever. oh well, first world problems, blah blah blah! left my big ol’ brace at home but had my knee sleeves wheeeee progress! if im ever injured again i solemnly vow to not spend a fraction of how much time i spent being crazy beastmaster status this run. i was just thinking about how much energy i wasted in one month. but i neeeeded to, you feel me. i live, i learn, insert alanis morissette lyrics here. i just couldnt help myself! okay anywayyyyy. so we had a little bitty ride through the gardens on a teskemobile which was just lovely. threw my shit in the dressing room then j and mike put on a show of two songs for the fans who had been waiting outside the venue for like way too long. i swear to god i mean this in the most not bitchy way possible, but is that necessary? dont they already have tickets? cant they just show up like 3 or 4 hours prior instead of 20? i really dont know how this works. im going to google it. or do they do it on the offchance that mike will come out and say what up. i am very interested in finding the answers.
next. got a little yoga in during soundcheck, then tagged along with mike leah and j to the hospital down the street where they went to play for a little girl with leukemia whos a huge fan and obvs couldnt make it to the show that night…………. i KNOW. how fucking sweet is that shit. why is my boyfriend literally and figuratively the nicest man in the fucking universe and how did he end up with such a sarcastic shit talking ass hole such as myself. balance, people, balance! that is what i tell myself anyway. well it must be working, cause he seems to find me funny and i dont find his super niceness annoying at ALL. it must have been loooove, etc. so they sang a few songs and it was just really sweet. dude. childrens hospitals are the fuckin bomb. i was wondering why the entire galaxy doesnt look like a childrens hospital, painted with bright colors and happiness. maybe thats why people do graffiti. enter cops aka the man trying to suppress our collective creative expression. fuck the police. okay tangent over i guess.
ummm what else. so im always hating on the bands groupies right, talkin about how i hate all of js fans who are over 16 and under 45 cause theyre probably dirty sluts (which by the way in defense of my ability to be mature is not entirely true). well finneeee universe i change my mind, although its situational. cause these three groupies were all about me like i was ben and jerrys with pickles and they were pregnant mamas with hormonal flareups like coronal mass ejections yeah i work in space physics so i use terms like coronal mass ejections in my metaphors what whattt. whatevs im stupid on fridays. anyway they were super sweet if not a tad lesbionic but arent we all. i did motorboat all of them 
i blame it on the effects of the unwritten road rule: drink. followed by: smoke weed. both preceded by: no number 2 on the bus! i think thats the first thing i was told when i first was accepted into the traveling circus as head bystander: dont shit on the fucking tour bus! only pee!! it makes sense. anyone whod argue with that is a dirty scumbag. anyhoo what else.. ummm yeah i got real stoned then fell asleep hardcore on the bus, poor j was uncomfy cause he was trying to not squish me and injure me further. which is why i always give him at least two hours in the morning of alone time in the bunk while i go wreak havoc on the dawn.
awoke in aspen, but had momentarily forgotten we were in aspen, so i looked out the window and said out loud as i yawned and wiped the sleep from my eyes “where the fuck are we?” to which bright cheery leah was like “aspen!” oh leah. i love leah, she is like a light in our lives with her salt watered waves and endless reserves of positive energy and yellow aura (just kidding i cant see auras… yet). so we went for what else but a wake n bake while i sang beauty and the beast cause aspen is basically like that, all bread and rolls to sell, every morning just the same since the morning that we came to this (very not) poor (very not) provincial town.
i believe j and mike had radio promo our first day in aspen. all i remember is it was in a kitchen and it was hot as bwalls. then we had dinner at matsuhisa which is da BOMB and also super expensivo im guessin. the owner michael is also the owner of the belly up which is where mfsh was playing that night. and his brother is the wrestler goldberg. holy flashbacks to wwf and all the filipinos in school being all over wrestling back in kid days. hilarz.
holy altitude be fuckin ma shit UP. didnt realize it but i was hurtin for a squirtin in need of oxygen style. luckily for me there was an oxygen machine at the venue in the dressing room and it. was. amazing. worked so well. unbelievable. how have i never done that before. im addicted to oxygen now.
okay im kind of over this post now.
anyway. so many cougars at the show. and the venue was so small but cozy not in a bad way. i had to watch from the soundboard thingy where bulby is which is where i got some dope pictures. i need to start selling my pictures the same way i sell my body on thursday nights and select sunday mornings, ha ha. lance armstrong was also there but who really cares. i suppose hes nice enough. for a liar. okay anYWAY.
the next day j worked with lynn goldsmith, photographer and artist extraordinaire. she and i are basically the same person, except shes 36 years older and white. but we talk the same kind of shit and i love it. anyhoo j is working on music with her, and i went to grab a bite and a drinky with bulby. then they had a little kiddie concert at aces on puppy smith road. how can i ever forget that name. puppy smith. im going to name my firstborn puppy smith. it will hate me so much but itll be soo cute for the first few years. blah blah went to a fundraiser for mike and saras new venture at owner michaels house which is pretty ridiculous. the amount of money some people have is just laughable. ha ha ha ha ha see me laugh? laughable! k im so over it, ttfn!
i flew into seattle for a super quick 1030pm-6am jaunt which is unfortunate since ive always wanted to explore seattle, but with my very attractive leg brace, it wouldnt have been feasible anyway. good thing about the leg brace is you can prop that shit up across three seats and nobody will sit next to you. scorefish! well, its either because i look like im in pain or just that disagreeable. id say its a little bit of both. and by a little bit i mean a lot. i also get a lot of different acl stories whilst traveling, most of which i find very encouraging in my determination to avoid surgery. oh god enough about my knee. so i got into seattle and settled into the hotel, waited for j to come to me and quickly downspiraled into a shit mood because that has been my m.o. for a good month (but good news and spoiler alert, im finally out of it, thank god and you are welcome universe and all of its inhabitants) so when j finally got to me i was in a heap of tears and madness. but he is good to me and more patient than i sometimes deserve so retrospectively well it aint so bad at all!
woke up the next morning at 6 to board the tour bus and mosey on down to portland! i survived the bus with my leg intact, just made sure i had to not be moving around and shit, or as my orthopedist said “dont be stupid about it.” oh man i had about 700 bouts of diarrhea here in portland. tmi? well fuck off then. this is important. it was a little hairy getting to and from places, not that i had to get around so much. anyway alcohol helps TONS. which is precisely what i got a lot of. and for that precise reason. you know, sometimes alcohol turns me into a beast. but i guess for other times when i am already in beast mode, it brings me to gentle giant status, minus the giant. oh, hilarious, at one point the smoke machine on stage got cray cray and enveloped j like he was in lost and shit. there is a sequence of three pictures down there all about it. i was dying!
moseyed on down to bend oregon later that night. oh hilaaarioussss and burn i dont have any pics, but we went on this lazy river and when i say lazy, i mean this shit was lazier than that one guy in your group of friends who cant peel himself off the couch and is always in a permahaze of weed smoke, oh and is 35 years old and has been stoned since 16. we went tubing with mike sara urana ethan ade and hossein… we WENT but we did not FINISH tubing. j and i could not for the life of us fuckin move down this river. it was so cold and my butt was cold for the next three hours but it was really just the funniest inadvertent thing id experienced in a long time. i love laughing my ass off with my boodle, it makes the sun shine and the world go round, but it doesnt make the river move, so theres that. i mean we were so slow that the runner had time to take the rest of our group back to the tour bus and come back and wait for us. i shake my head at you lazy river. laziest river of life.
i was gonna leave from bend but they were driving down to sf that night so changed my flight to leave sf the next morning, true to employee of the year form. thank the career gods for letting me not get fired, and i hope i didnt just jinx myself!
if the overall tone of a year is judged by the first day of ones individual orbit around the sun, methinks imana like year 29 of life on this planet! kinda feels like 80 or thereabouts, but i sneakily suspect its due to my gimpiness which, if everything goes according to plan, will prove very temporary. shit, it better be temporary. mama needs to get back to cardio weights yoga and toight like a toigerness you feel me dogs??
so! i was up bright and early on my golden birthday for a 6am flight to nyc on united, but i gotta tell you, wheelchair service got me through all the shit i loathe about united, namely more interaction with undesirable people than necessary. i think it also helps to dread it so much that shit cant possibly be as bad as you are dreading. i intended to/j told me to bring one backpack since i was going to be crutching it for at least some of my trip, but well, that failed. so there i was 4:25 am in a crippled heap nearly in tears complaining my ass off to my poor parents who, as always, come to my rescue and make everything better, notwithstanding telling me to shove it, get a grip, and shut the fuck up (not in those words but basically). so i ended up taking a carry-on (which i checked in) AND a backpack which i gotta say, thank god for wheels, can i get an amen. what did we do before luggage. i bet past people are time traveling to the future and being all, you spoiled ass lazy motherfuckers you have it so easy!!!! luckily all economy seats were economy plus so i had me adequate leg room. i guess for how much i complain about united, i only had one blah issue this flight, which is that the flight attendant who was assisting me onto the plane was acting like my injury was inconveniencing his entire existence. well fuck you guy, fuck. you. slept for four hours which was fantastic. didnt end up clotting and survived with my leg still intact. as you might guess, the asshole steward was not even trying to help me, but someone much nicer hooked it up with actual service for the disabled, so he made up for the other guys incompetence. got wheeled outside upon landing, where markypoo met me and we ubered it to the blakely hotel midtown. also must thank god for good friends! i would have surely been in severe histrionic batshit mode if mark werent there to hoist all of my shit to the hotel. we got a little jamba juice and starbucks to tide us over until dinner, then hung out in the hotel bar with apriljoy and jonathan and had some birthday drinkies whee! j finally got to the hotel and stopped by the bar for a hello and a kissyface before going up to work for a bit (of course). inez had rolled up by the time j was done and we went to, you guessed it, hooters(!) for my bday dinner! 😀 i feel like my birthday is the only real way i can force people to accompany me to hooters sans any hint of protest. i cant believe i gotta beg people to go, i mean come on the wings are the best and there are bimbos and boobs like really? anyway anytime im at hooters is like the best time of my life. and i bought js album since it came out like the second it turned july 30 which was exciting! and because im equal parts shopaholic and supportive girlfriend. good times with loved ones. i think its the best birthday ive had in probably forever. super chill, no big hoopla. just a regular ol’ make-it-up-as-you-go day + hooters! maybe the key to a bomb bday is to not spend it anywhere near la. ill try it next year and see how it goes. oh shit im going to be 30 next year what the fuck. and what do i have to show for it besides my double Ds and collagen injections.
the next morning… i dont know what we did the next morning, but we had to be at the ed sullivan theater by 2 or some shit for them to prep and soundcheck for letterman! we totally walked* there (*gimped on crutches) and it wasnt far, but by the time we got there, j and i were both like uhhh yeah lets get a ride back to the hotel after. i watched the show from the audience with urana, which means i fucking missed meeting bryan cranston arghhhh!!!! oh well. also the studios are way smaller than youd think, and cooooold as a motherfucker. so cold. i was fine since for some reason its like my knee brace turns my overall body temp up 15deg and shit. oh, also before they let you in to sit down, they have someone basically fluff you emotionally. like they reallyyyyy make a big deal about how we HAVE TO LAUGH even if we dont think shit is funny. and almost threatening us that if we dont laugh, dave letterman will not like our energy and will use his better jokes for a better audience. they even had a video of alec baldwin getting on our asses about applauding and laughing very heartily. geezaloo. we get it! we also were not allowed to “whoo!” to which urana and i were like, well what the fuck else sound are we supposed to make when were cheering?? anyway it was cool, i was all clapped and not-whoo-but-another-noised out by the end. pretty interesting to see how it all transpires. they have yet another fluffer (a pre-dave house comic) who comes out and attempts to rile us all up. the house band plays all throughout the commercial breaks. and people gather around dave and talk about im not sure what. theyre probably fluffing his ass too. we all need fluffing! a lot of monitors so you cant really see much from where youre sitting, luckily they have monitors above the audience for us to watch unobstructed. amanda seyfried and bryan cranston were the guests. then mfsh came on and it was funny cause mikey is always like, everybody on your feet jumping! and we had basically had our brains rewired to act according to letterman rules, so everybody was like errrrr i think we are not allowed to get on our feet jumping? but by the end of the song everyone was up out of their seats (minus me). then after they finished, letterman was saying how it was such an upbeat performance that ed sullivan was alive backstage! sweet shit bro. so that was that. went back to the hotel. wow my memory is shit i dont know what we did. im guessing napped and ate mini bar snacks hahahaha. oh wait i remember, yes that is precisely what we did. with the tv on. that night we had dinner downstairs with tommie and daniela who are great fun. carl came by to share some stories which made us laugh, thanks for that carl. oh! we also spied tina fey and jennifer westfeldt who by the way was so drunk off wine like her eyes were not even open. girl, i been there. we watched the show on tv in mikeys room, hung with tommie and d some more then got to sleep at 2 (eek) for a 7am wake up for the view!
so we woke up at 7 something to be downstairs and driven to the abc studios for their view performance. oh ja, this dressing room was muuuuch bigger and better than lettermans. we were all zombied out cause who gets up at 7 willingly. waited around for a while, and they took sara urana and me to watch from the audience. this was cooler than letterman for sho. its crazy how much smaller all this shit is in real life. teri hatcher and dean norris were guests. and holy cow, teri hatcher is fucking beautiful. i want to look like her when im [googles her age] 48??!?!?? jesus christ. okay there is no way i am going to look that good at 48. fuck it, it is now my goal for 48, to look that good. i guess it can be done. dean norris is also much skinnier and more attractive than he appears on breaking bad. the fluffers here did not come on as strong, which was appreciated. the main fluffer was pretty funny too. most of the time. so when mfsh came on to play they had the last two rows and some of us in the audience stand up in front, concert style. i managed to swing it without my crutches, good thing the song is only 3:20. great performance. it is kind of a trip, the whole thing. like j being on tv. what the fuck. so crazytown. anyway after that we all parted ways, and j and i headed somewhere so he could finish business. mark swooped me up and we met up with inez to polish off a muthafuckin pizza which was amaaaze. took way too long to ask someone to take a picture for us, inez picked the worst most incompetent guy in the entire universe, but the next gal made up for it big time. it was hilarz. picked up food for j and went back to the office where mark and i talked shit in our inside voices so as not to disturb anybody. saw js dear friend stephanie for a quick minute before we headed to newark to fly down to ft lauderdale. got wheelchair service again cause i was not about to walk all that way to our gate, you must be tripping. first class wheeeeee. j slept and i watched catfish because i am obsessed. with mainly the idea of catfishing. anyway, we landed and j wheeled me out where keef picked us up! keef and eggy are two fans-cum-friends. we stopped into a diner to eat, and the greeter was a poor mans dead ringer of javier bardem’s chigurh from no country for old men. god i love humidity. anyway good times, went to the crib where we were put up in the guest house which was awesomesauces. smoked some herbz and i had to tap out for the night, i was completely drained of energy at that point.
woke up the next morning/early afternoon, tore my motherfucking brace off and laid my ass by the pool, ahhhhh. perfecto. vacation commence. j knew i was back when he woke up and instead of me lying next to him was the brace, and missing were my crutches and bikini. i loooveeeee the sun, we are truly bff. until he gives me skin cancer but im filipino plus i use sunblock like a mofo. anyway had nice fun relaxing pool time with loverbear, then sunset hit and we headed over to the W hotel in ft lauderdale where j got us this sick corner room, happy birthday to meee!! ocean views and two walls that were floor to ceiling window doors whatttt. it was nastay in the best way. this man spoils me i tell you what! the four days after were pretty much lazybonesjones, beach, pool, movie, eat, repeat! humidity is funny, it makes the room sweat like straight up “girl i wanna make you sweat sweat til you cant sweat no more” status. ummmm so we would sleep with the doors open mang, and id wake up cause the pool speakers would be poppin off, wed just barely catch breakfast downstairs at steak 954 where i would be entranced with the aquarium wall full of jellyfish like i was on acid. then wed get some sun and spy on guidoville cause well, it can be pretty guidoville down there. we watched wolverine at this sheisty movie theater which scared me especially since i am not in shape to run away from people if need be, but thankfully need was not.. been? had dinner with keef eggy and bulby one of the nights and another night watched pacific rim with bulby in 3d imax which was a little cheesy but im not really a movie snob so it was fine. that theater was not ghetto, in fact it was very educational and cool and it made me feel like/wish i was a kid again, especially the part where my knee is fully intact 😦 i wish i could have stayed longer to learn about dinosaur eggs or volcanoes or whatever that theater had to offer but i think people are tired of me wanting to stay too long pretty much everywhere i go. by the end of our trip i was walking without crutches but with my knee brace bent which is progress thanks to rest relaxation and my own version of rehab. i was on that exercise bike as much as possible and j, sweetheart that he is, sat on the floor next to me as i pedaled away. and hed carry me from our beach spot to the ocean and back when my brace was off, i mean come on. if this isnt the biggest catch of my life then ill be motherfucking damned. anyhoo lots of yumminess including but not limited to: vanilla french toast which was amazeeeee and wagyu skirt steak which was da bombbbb. ja, needless to say i cant wait to get to working out again! flew home monday late afternoon after catching our last bit of sun/beach time and making use of the W’s complimentary hospitality suite whatttt sick. thats service. our flight attendant was all over us to get married like she was basically planning our non-existent wedding. but very sweet. and she gave me wings! so excited about that. my flight back to la was delayed a few hours (of course) so i stayed in sf the night and flew home the next morning, so sad. but so fulfilled and feeling very spoiled and lucky and loved and in love and rested and already ready for another adventure!
vacation rating: 5/5 stars. best birthday/birthday week of my life thus far.
j rating: 5/5 stars. best life partner ever in this life, the last one, the next one, and in the entire universe.
oh snap its like a new twist on john and jackie kennedy minus the pillbox hats, infidelity and assassination. so i guess just the names is really all there is to that comparison. well and the good looks of course. i loveddddd jacquies dress. like i would use it secondhand style, on the reals. also loved the smart car driving me down to the ceremony level cause with this acl tear, the only shit poppin is my knee. i also love watching people dance. it makes me laugh and cry cause i guess im just that kind of ass hole. i feel like there are all these little treasures in topanga, the venue 1909 being one of them. oh man and dont get me started on the hors doeuvres son. sometimes i feel like hors doeuvres are the best part of a wedding. that is not a shittalk against a marrying couple, its just that the nibbly bites are so fucking good. we should have hors doeuvres parties where we dress up and waiters serve us nibblies and alcohol. um best idea ever? i think so. im full of them. or just full of shit, your pick dick. god this injury turns me into some kinda biotch. i gotta say john and jacquie make quite the attractive couple. they make me wanna be on match.com except for the fact im happily spoken for. or maybe j and i can play a game where we make profiles under aliases and see if we find each other, except for the fact that sounds like major super disaster waiting to happen so nevermind. anywayz here are pics!
nomad'z land 