yoga

by Sharon Brooke

im pretty sure it can be said without hesitation or doubt that i am not a woman of few words.

sometimes i wish my yoga classes lasted all day. i love that feeling of centeredness i get from practicing in a room full of people there for the same reason, from the sort of guided meditation that comes from my yoga teachers, from being challenged physically, mentally, and spiritually. and i especially love how yoga isnt in-your-face like soooome fucked up institutions we know (cough faith baptist cough). its kinda take-what-you-can-get-from-it-and-if-its-a-little-or-a-lot-we-love-you-all-the-same-and-will-always-be-here-for-you, no pressure.

anyway, my practice today was not only a sweaty ass kicker, but it really prompted some thinkin. in particular, the idea of “needing.” basically, i need nothing. i should amend that. i dont need much at all. no possessions, no distractions. when im in yoga, i have a bottle of water, my slippery yoga mat, a towel (sometimes), and my sweaty self. and i am so content with that. when im in some remote surf shack with j on an island somewhere in southeast asia, and all we have is a bed, a mosquito net, conversation and each other, im like crazy at peace. this morning when i went hiking with huevs and it was us, nature, and our water bottles, i felt super calm and relaxed, despite the fact that i was sweating bombzville and huffin and puffin. is it that i know my belongings are somewhere waiting for me to return? would i worry about those things i supposedly need if i didnt have them to go back to or rely on?

back to needing nothing not much, i started thinking about how that relates to letting go. all these attachments, physical and emotional. take, for instance, my hoarding which i obviously got from somewhere not naming names (mom) okay i named names sorry. like, is my shopaholicism and inability to truly purge a direct reflection of my mental inability to just let go? and i mean letting go of hurts and sadnesses and things that dont serve me anymore at all. is that why i am always taking way too long to fall asleep, because i havent purged whats unnecessary from my mind (daily and cumulative), leaving my mind to race to the point of exhaustion? chicken or the egg: is my hoarding a physical manifestation of my trouble in letting go of things emotionally? to be quite motherfuckin frank, there are definitely things i have trouble letting go of. bitch please, im not gonna go into detail here. i save that for my jiary (thats an amalgamation of ‘journal’ and ‘diary’ – yeah i just made that up, and it kind of sounds middle eastern. not sure how i feel about that cause lets be honest were all at least a little racist. but its okay cause my best friend is lebanese) and for in-person conversations that cant be recorded or referred back to or paper trailed, and for which, if divulged, i will depend on my dazzling eloquence to prove the other party a complete and utter liar and how dare you make shit up about me, etc. welp just somethin to think about… maybe once i manage to let go of all the things i should let go of truly, my closet will become immaculate like jesus’ heart. hahahhahhahhahaha. im an idiot. or was mary the immaculate one? so much for my religious educational background. but really, maybe if i begin to purge my physical belongings, itll somehow create more space in my mind. experiment time biotches.

meditation. slowing down. it seems counterintuitive to getting shit done right? yet.. its actually so not. i still have much work to do on this, but from what ive experienced, slowing the mind actually ends up begetting substantial and effective progress — mind and body. in savasana for instance. youre supposed to keep your mind still and kinda just take in what youve learned from the previous 90 minutes of yoga. let it drip into your bones and your soul and stuff. yeah, not so much for me. i swear i try but once im still its pretty difficult for me to just not think. and i often think “i shouldnt be thinking of anything right now” but the fact of the matter is jack, i dont really care… yet. i dont particularly mind that i cant shut my brain off. maybe ive accepted it which come to think of it, is one step up from being frustrated about it. so there is that. i kind of think that once i get savasana down itll be because im at a place of super enlightened peace, and yes i do think that that is possible. or maybe once i get to a state of super enlightened peace my savasana will show it.

the end the beginning omega alpha boom shakala ttfn